god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
