I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
