You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
