This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
