I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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