some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
