No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
