I didn't shave. On purpose
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
