Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
