you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
