Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
