I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
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