Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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