i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
