Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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