A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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