She's JV to your varsity
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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