a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
