Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
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