The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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