I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
