just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
