I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
