i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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