I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
