The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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