She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
