Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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