My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
