So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
