PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
