did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
