I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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