Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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