Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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