if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
