WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
