I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
