Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
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