I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
