theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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