on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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