How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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