I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
