I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
