You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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