A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
