Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
