a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Randomize
