I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
