I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
