Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
