final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
