Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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