Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
