my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
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