Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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