i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
